Blended Memories

It’s hard to believe we’re at the end of another decade and even harder to comprehend that 2020 will make TWENTY years since I graduated high school.   When did that happen?   I feel like the last decade has contained a whole lot of, “When did that happen” moments quite frankly.   I walked into 2010 at the ripe old age of 27 (haha) on Main Street USA (Disneyland), uncertain about what the future held, but positive it would be epic.   When I look back now it has been epic – good, bad, and otherwise!   I connected with family!   My brother, Evan, reached out to me while he was in San Diego one summer day in 2011 and life hasn’t been the same since.   I got to be there when my brother Trevor returned from his mission and for the first time ever all four of us siblings were together.   I got to know my Stepmom Trudy much better, I gained two sisters-in-love, Kaitlyn (Skyler’s wife) and Tara (Trevor’s wife), along with a wonderful nephew a...

A lot of people live with anxiety, myself included. Many others don’t understand what it’s like and make judgments that are truly hurtful. I encourage everyone to be cognizant of the fact you don’t know what it’s like to be someone else and remember that every person handles things differently. For me anxiety is something that creeps up on me at the most inopportune times and leaves me in a state of panic. It’s not something I can brush off or “get over,” it’s something that I live with constantly. Anxiety is worrying when someone says they need to talk. Whatever you do, for the love of God, do not tell me you need to talk to me and not tell me why. My mind will go on the hunt for every potential worst case scenario and magnify it 100x. I can’t stop it, either. It’s just what my mind goes through. Anxiety is talking on the phone socially. I used to LOVE talking on the phone, but then texting became a thing and phone conversations now riddle me with anxiety. I don’t know why this...

I will openly admit I stole this photo from my dear friend Michy's Instagram, but it rings so  true!  Everywhere I go there are opportunities for small talk -- the how's the weather, what do you do for fun, how many kids do you have, what's your pet's name type of conversations.  I see their place because they afford people the chance to get to know others even if only briefly.  I've always struggled with the concept though because until I really  know you, I'm not sure I care what you do for fun or what you've named your fur or human children.  That may sound mean but it's my truth.  I would rather know what makes you tick, what you're passionate about, what makes your world a better place.  Some of that may include the aforementioned niceties, but I want more . Small take gives me anxiety.  I am constantly trying to think of things to talk about that aren't too personal or too invasive.  Being in an Uber is insanely trying for me ...

Every so often in life we have a friend who shows up and stays .  You don't have to talk all the time or see each other frequently, but you know they are there no matter what.  Michy is one of those people for me.  We met in 2004 on Livejournal where we both used to blog before it was really a "thing."  With a mutual love of General Hospital  we bonded, but we quickly discovered that our tie was much stronger.  We're both dreamers, lovers of adventure, and travelers by nature.  We love hard, fall harder, and spend a lot of time internally reflecting and wanting to grow.  In 2005 we wound up at General Hospital Fan Club Weekend and have been tight ever since.  I showed up at the hotel and was walking by the pool to check in and my phone rang.  It was Michy asking if I was at the pool.  We always joke that she was stalking me, which I stand by (HA!).  TODAY is Michy's birthday and I thought it would be appropriate to t...

This morning at work I attended a seminar on feedback.  It's a topic I'm immensely passionate about and those who've worked with me know I often seek feedback.  It's also one of the things that I find people are most reluctant to give.  One thing that struck me in the seminar is that feedback need not always be entirely positive or completely negative... er, "constructive."  When I give a presentation or put together documentation, I genuinely want  feedback.  Instinctively I tend to know if I did something well or if it could have been better, but I like to get other people's perspective.  No one is going to hurt my feelings by telling me ways I could have done something better.  It's all about perspective and what each person in the audience needs.  No one will ever hit the mark 100% of the time, so having that input only serves to improve growth.  When I got my Master's degree in Industrial/Organizational Psychology I had an emphas...

Sometimes I look around and think, "How am I an adult right now?" or, "How am I older than my Mom was when I was 10?"  It's an interesting thing to think that we shed our skin every so often, but sometimes get stuck in place in other areas of our lives.  We carry so much baggage around that we get weighed down by things that have been gone for ages.  Some days I look up and think, "Holy crap, I'm killin' it!" where other days I proclaim, "Can't I just be a cat and sleep all day?"  Life is a roller coaster full of mountains and valleys and it's up to us how we intend to enjoy the ride. Twenty years ago I was preparing for my senior year of high school.  I took the picture below on a hot summer day in Chula Vista, California with a group of my friends who were also having the exact same picture taken.  Everything was planned out for me until then, but I hadn't decided on college yet, I only knew I had so much future ahead...

Back when I started my career, I was fearful of every new opportunity.  The unknown can be scary and I didn't have the confidence in myself that I would succeed.  Thankfully I had a manager back then who reminded me that I had what it takes and gratefully I listened and pushed myself even when I was scared.  I can think of very specific milestones where I was terrified to fail and I can also think of a turning point where I knew through experience that even if I failed, I needed to give myself a chance to try anyway. I never intended to wind up in business.  I wanted to be a psychologist when I started college and was certain I'd never step foot in a traditional organization.  The reality was I needed a job to support myself and wound up as a temp at Jack in the Box back in 2002.  The day I started at Jack was the same day my then-best friend left for college (and I was watching her younger siblings so her mom could join her in dropping her off at scho...

A year ago I never would have worn white pants or a sleeveless shirt.  Today I wore both.  Am I totally satisfied with what I see?  No. I also don't mind that I'm a work in progress because we all are.  Often times we don't show the parts of ourselves that are in flux, whether physical or internal.  Part of getting to a better place is acknowledging and accepting our faults and making commitments to improve.  For me this is how I'm coming into my own.  I know who I am, what I stand for, what makes me tick, but I've struggled with certain facets of my being.  Who doesn't, right?  Much like the other day when I said to wear the fuchsia lipstick, this is my call to wear the white pants!  Whatever your  white pants are - put them on and wear them proudly!  As a photographer I often find people criticize themselves and complain about the parts of them that are too fat, too thin, too frizzy, too wrinkled, too whatever ....

In high school I was not popular, but I also wasn't un popular.  I just sort of... was.  My senior year I was on the newspaper staff and forged wonderful relationships with my fellow writers.  I swore up and down that I would never lose touch with anyone and we'd be friends forever.  Well, here I am 19 years post high school with vastly different views, but similar tendencies.  What I mean by that is when I meet someone and form a relationship, I tend to think it'll last forever and nothing will ever tarnish that bond.  What I've learned over the years it that I am beyond wrong on that and my mind gets it, but my heart fails to get on board. When I look back now, high school was four years.  Some of the people I knew then I'd known since elementary school, but what was important back then isn't so much now.  I've had 19 years in the workforce to learn that people come and go and sometimes relationships are situational.  Sometimes "wo...

This is me today - a couple of hours ago, in fact.  One thing that's easy to do working from home is not to get dressed, not to put makeup on, and not to really feel like you're at work.  A couple weeks ago when I was in Hartford, Connecticut I got to talking to the team that was there about this very thing.  Working from home has its major advantages, but there are also downsides like having jewelry and nowhere to wear it, picking out clothes and not even putting them on, that type of thing.  Granted, I can have coffee in my sweats and throw my hair up in a messy bun like no one's business these days, but I've been missing the whole "going to work" thing.  I decided to remedy this by... well, getting ready for work!   I only have to wear dress pants when I actually visit clients, but it feels good to put on some makeup (I am LOVING my hot pink Mac lipstick, guys!), jeans, a nice top, some comfortable yet stylish shoes, and JEWELRY!! ...

I wasn’t sure if I was going to mention anything today, but given that exactly a year ago today was a day that re-shaped my future, I feel like it’s important to process through.   June 18, 2018 I had just returned from vacation and was greeted back to work and could feel something was off.   This wasn’t entirely abnormal since things had been off for years overall, but I could feel the “watch your back” vibe.   As it turned out, while I was gone a lot had happened and whether I agreed with it or not, things would never be the same.   The company had become very survivor-like and I had been notoriously naïve about people being in my corner when there was more going on I was unaware of.   I had devoted 16 years to an organization that honestly felt more like a home to me than a workplace.   I had stayed far longer than I should have out of sheer comfort.   This day a year ago showed me people’s true colors and forced me awake.   Once the comfort ...

It’s interesting hearing from people that I look so happy. I’ve had people tell me this ever since I moved out of California. When I meet people in Missouri the number one question I am asked is, “Why did you leave California?” These two things go hand in hand. Did I love California? Absolutely. I thought I was happy there, even. I grew up there and have family and friends there. The beach is a stone’s throw away and the mountains are just as close. The desert is easily accessible and the city is everywhere. Mexican food is THE BEST in California, especially in San Diego. On the flip side, expenses are insane. My two-bedroom apartment was going to be $2500 a month, which didn’t include pet rent, utilities, cable, internet, and gas & electric. I have student loans so I was constantly in a state of financial worry, salaries didn’t increase at the rate cost of living did, and without even knowing it I was constantly stressed financially. I like to say that as beautiful as Cal...

I went to counseling for many years and both as a Master of Psychology and as a human being, highly recommend everyone go to counseling at some point in their lives.  It's nice to have an unbiased party to listen, advise, and provide high level guidance on better coping mechanisms.  Often people think because I studied psychology I shouldn't need outside guidance, but as with most things, it is far easier to advise others than to look internally and make adjustments.  Over the course of my years in counseling, it became evident that I am not good at dealing with tough situations that impact me directly. Examples? - When I was eight, my grandfather passed away.  When my mom told me, I reacted very stoically and didn't cry about that loss for several years. - Even when I was well into my career at Jack in the Box, I clung to my coworkers for fear they would leave.  It's a job - people leave.  You don't keep in touch with all of them when they go.  ...

Meet Milo, my normally fairly mild-mannered Siamese.  He came into my life a little over three years ago and wrapped himself squarely around my little finger.  He's always been pretty tame, aside from the occasional decision to bite me or thump his hind legs on inanimate objects that he favors.  This morning, however, my sweet little bear turned into a horrific monster!  I took him to the vet for his annual checkup and vaccines.  When we arrived he was pretty calm and didn't even make a noise when the "office cat" at the vet came by to sniff and investigate.  As soon as the vet walked into the room though, he was baring his teeth, growling, and hissing!  I have no idea what happened but Milo was NOT a happy camper.  Maybe he had a case of the Mondays.  Maybe he decided he didn't want to be poked and prodded.  Whatever the case, he has to go back in two weeks for another attempt at shots.  I may not have any tiny humans in my ca...

Creating a blog really takes me back. I used to dabble in HTML in high school and college. I made a lot of friends through writing and more than that, got a lot off my chest. I miss blogging and decided to bring it back into my life. Who am I? I am a culmination of personality, experience, circumstance, preference, curiosity, and purposefulness. I love: - My family & friends - My kitty son, Milo - My career - Disney - Travel - Mexican food - Photography - Quotes - Reading - Development - Gems and stones Stay tuned for more.