Blended Memories

From 1999 - 2005, Nikki and her family were my rocks.  Nikki has three siblings, all of whom considered me part of the family, and at the time I desperately needed them.  We spent every day together and on the days we didn't, there was an emptiness there for me.  What I realize now is that I did everything I could to ensure I was part of their family and in reality I never actually was.  I was missing my own family -- the brothers I didn't really know at the time but truly wanted to.  I was missing my Dad and the bond that should have existed there.  What I thought I needed from Nikki and her family wasn't something they could give me, but it became very co-dependent. I molded who I was around who I thought they wanted me to be.  I took to driving them to sporting events, school, and building my schedule around theirs.  My first day at Jack in the Box was the day Nikki left for college and I recall thinking what a crazy person I was to start a job...

Life takes us in directions we couldn't possibly expect, and with those pathways sometimes comes loss.  At the time it feels unbearable and full of pain, but on the other side of that pain is acceptance and understanding (one hopes).  It's taken me a long time to write this post, not because I hadn't reached the other end of the emotional path, but because it feels so final .  What I had to realize though is that I wasn't the one to make it so, I was just the one who had to accept it. Katie and I met in the 7th grade, but became close our 11th grade year of high school.  I was the maid of honor in her first wedding and for many years was one of her three best friends from high school.  She got me in ways no one else could and our memories were filled with laughter.  We'd had a couple fallings out over the years, but always found a way to reconcile and continue our friendship. As someone who struggles with anxiety, it is not uncommon for that feeling to over...