The Elephant That's Always in the Room

From 1999 - 2005, Nikki and her family were my rocks.  Nikki has three siblings, all of whom considered me part of the family, and at the time I desperately needed them.  We spent every day together and on the days we didn't, there was an emptiness there for me.  What I realize now is that I did everything I could to ensure I was part of their family and in reality I never actually was.  I was missing my own family -- the brothers I didn't really know at the time but truly wanted to.  I was missing my Dad and the bond that should have existed there.  What I thought I needed from Nikki and her family wasn't something they could give me, but it became very co-dependent.

I molded who I was around who I thought they wanted me to be.  I took to driving them to sporting events, school, and building my schedule around theirs.  My first day at Jack in the Box was the day Nikki left for college and I recall thinking what a crazy person I was to start a job, return to school, and stay with Nikki's siblings for the week since her mom was in Vermont helping her get set up for school.  I took on far too much because I wanted to be needed.  I wanted to be accepted as a part of the family and really immerse myself in what it was like to have siblings.



Over time the relationships fell apart and that is what it is, although they've never actually told me on their end what caused the cut.  My guess is I was always there, like a creepy person.  Whatever it was, it taught me a lot about life and not filling voids with things that don't fit.  Instead I reached out and connected with my actual siblings and my Dad.  10 years ago I made this monumental step and am so thankful everyday I did.  I have genuine, true relationships with family now and that's the void fill I needed because I filled the void with what was truly missing.

Those who knew me back then likely have opinions on who I was or how I behaved and that's cool.  I do too.  Just know that I am in a far better place now than the fake smile you see above.  Did I love Nikki and her family?  Absolutely and I still do.  BUT... I hadn't yet learned to love myself.  That, my friends, makes ALL the difference.

To Healing,
Leslie

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