Blended Memories

Life takes us in directions we couldn't possibly expect, and with those pathways sometimes comes loss.  At the time it feels unbearable and full of pain, but on the other side of that pain is acceptance and understanding (one hopes).  It's taken me a long time to write this post, not because I hadn't reached the other end of the emotional path, but because it feels so final .  What I had to realize though is that I wasn't the one to make it so, I was just the one who had to accept it. Katie and I met in the 7th grade, but became close our 11th grade year of high school.  I was the maid of honor in her first wedding and for many years was one of her three best friends from high school.  She got me in ways no one else could and our memories were filled with laughter.  We'd had a couple fallings out over the years, but always found a way to reconcile and continue our friendship. As someone who struggles with anxiety, it is not uncommon for that feeling to over...

Every week I plan to highlight one special person in my life and share our journey, mostly because it's a feel good type of post that I can reflect back on when times are tough.  It's always good to remember the good stuff. This is Rebecca, known fondly as Becky Poo.  Our friendship developed in one day in 1995 and I remember it so distinctly.  We were on our end of the school year outing at Rohr park and although we'd been in classes together all year, we had never really spoken.  To set the stage, I am not a sportsman at all  and Rebecca is beyond talented.  I had stupidly decided to venture into a sea of really tall bushes that had a hidden path inside them with a couple of friends and much to my dismay got smacked in the eye with a branch.  As my eye swelled shut I opted not  to notify the teachers or chaperones that were with us on the trip.  Why?  That wasn't how I rolled.  Instead I found myself rather delirious and ...

I touched on anxiety briefly yesterday, but I was reading Andrea Barber's book Full Circle  last night and one particular description pummeled me like a ton of bricks.   " When my anxiety is at its worst, my world closes into a pinhole-sized view, and it's all I can think about.  It's a very overwhelming and devastating feeling, and very different from what I'd always assumed anxiety was (butterflies in my stomach before a speech). Tasks that once seemed easy and fun suddenly feel insurmountable. I can feel my heart pounding in my chest.  It's kind of like the sensation you get when you're at the very top of a roller coaster, white-knuckled hands gripping the bar in front of you, about to plummet downwards.  That adrenaline and fear kick into overdrive... but in the case of anxiety, there would be no letup.  I was constantly in that white-knuckled state, holding my breath, gripped by the fear of the unknown.  When you feel like that even ...

Last night as I was attempting sleep after midnight, my mind started wandering (hello Sunday night).  I was thinking about all that's transpired in 2020 and how much of it has been awful.  In the middle of that awful, between the Coronavirus and race wars and political distress, there have  been moments of joy.  I spent the first part of the year traveling -- first to San Diego for work and to see friends/family, then to San Diego/Mesquite/Los Angeles just at the cusp of the pandemic.  I am thankful I got to see people I love and spend moments of bonding before the world seemingly exploded into a "new normal" that is anything but.  Walking through Hollywood and Venice Beach I was overcome with the homelessness and Covid was but a small ember, but as soon as I returned home it was straight into quarantine thanks to flying and then on lock-down due to necessity.  The time since my last trip in March has given me lots of time to clean out my closets ...

It’s hard to believe we’re at the end of another decade and even harder to comprehend that 2020 will make TWENTY years since I graduated high school.   When did that happen?   I feel like the last decade has contained a whole lot of, “When did that happen” moments quite frankly.   I walked into 2010 at the ripe old age of 27 (haha) on Main Street USA (Disneyland), uncertain about what the future held, but positive it would be epic.   When I look back now it has been epic – good, bad, and otherwise!   I connected with family!   My brother, Evan, reached out to me while he was in San Diego one summer day in 2011 and life hasn’t been the same since.   I got to be there when my brother Trevor returned from his mission and for the first time ever all four of us siblings were together.   I got to know my Stepmom Trudy much better, I gained two sisters-in-love, Kaitlyn (Skyler’s wife) and Tara (Trevor’s wife), along with a wonderful nephew a...

A lot of people live with anxiety, myself included. Many others don’t understand what it’s like and make judgments that are truly hurtful. I encourage everyone to be cognizant of the fact you don’t know what it’s like to be someone else and remember that every person handles things differently. For me anxiety is something that creeps up on me at the most inopportune times and leaves me in a state of panic. It’s not something I can brush off or “get over,” it’s something that I live with constantly. Anxiety is worrying when someone says they need to talk. Whatever you do, for the love of God, do not tell me you need to talk to me and not tell me why. My mind will go on the hunt for every potential worst case scenario and magnify it 100x. I can’t stop it, either. It’s just what my mind goes through. Anxiety is talking on the phone socially. I used to LOVE talking on the phone, but then texting became a thing and phone conversations now riddle me with anxiety. I don’t know why this...