Healing

Life takes us in directions we couldn't possibly expect, and with those pathways sometimes comes loss.  At the time it feels unbearable and full of pain, but on the other side of that pain is acceptance and understanding (one hopes).  It's taken me a long time to write this post, not because I hadn't reached the other end of the emotional path, but because it feels so final.  What I had to realize though is that I wasn't the one to make it so, I was just the one who had to accept it.

Katie and I met in the 7th grade, but became close our 11th grade year of high school.  I was the maid of honor in her first wedding and for many years was one of her three best friends from high school.  She got me in ways no one else could and our memories were filled with laughter.  We'd had a couple fallings out over the years, but always found a way to reconcile and continue our friendship.

As someone who struggles with anxiety, it is not uncommon for that feeling to overwhelm me.  If I have a lot going on at work or personally, I often retreat and become non-communicative.  It's not a good thing, but it has a constant presence.  I was going through an implementation at work and dealing with personal demons, so I was not good at keeping plans and expressing why I was canceling if I felt the need.  That became too much for Katie and she iced me out.  Plain and simple.  I can't say I blame her, either.  I did my best to explain where I was coming from but because of things happening in her personal life, she felt it was too easy for me to cancel on her.  It was never easy, but anxiety does strange things.

Where I am today has taken me states away and with that distance has come understanding.  I'm not going to chase her down and try to break through the ice.  She's made it clear I have no place in her life and that's okay -- some things aren't meant to be forever.  I am eternally grateful for the many years we shared and will carry those memories fondly through life.  

 For those who have reached out over the last few years and asked, no, we are not friends.  We were though.  We really were.  Katie is a beautiful person and always will be.  I'm saddened that she won't be in any future memories, but I do know this much... she'll always be part of my past.  I am no longer angry with myself for what happened because a) it serves no purpose, b) I know exactly what state of mental health I was in, and c) I am taking the lesson and moving forward.  Friendships come and go and while I never thought this one would end, it has.  I've accepted it.  It's been years now, so the wound is no longer fresh and painful.

What have I taken as lessons?

1- Always communicate, even when it's hard.

2- Remember to check in and see how the other person is doing.

3- Even things you think will last forever don't.

4- If someone dismisses you from their life, let them.

5- Keep the memories -- good, bad, and otherwise.  They'll still bring joy.

Here's to healing. 

XOXO,

Leslie