Pandemic Pondering

Last night as I was attempting sleep after midnight, my mind started wandering (hello Sunday night).  I was thinking about all that's transpired in 2020 and how much of it has been awful.  In the middle of that awful, between the Coronavirus and race wars and political distress, there have been moments of joy.  I spent the first part of the year traveling -- first to San Diego for work and to see friends/family, then to San Diego/Mesquite/Los Angeles just at the cusp of the pandemic.  I am thankful I got to see people I love and spend moments of bonding before the world seemingly exploded into a "new normal" that is anything but.  Walking through Hollywood and Venice Beach I was overcome with the homelessness and Covid was but a small ember, but as soon as I returned home it was straight into quarantine thanks to flying and then on lock-down due to necessity.  The time since my last trip in March has given me lots of time to clean out my closets as well as my thoughts.

The first thought that sparked in my brain was anger.  I had a "friend" who played to my insecurities and made me feel safe in sharing how I felt, only to turn on me later and really cause chaos in my world.  There were red flags along the way but I wanted so badly to be accepted that I ignored them.  Case in point:  She had surgery and I promised to visit.  I obliged and spent a few hours at the hospital with her keeping her company.  Months later she said no one had visited her in the hospital - in front of me.  When I told her I had she scoffed and said that no, no one had visited her.  At the time I thought it was a memory issue but now I realize she a) wanted sympathy from others or b) didn't want to admit I did visit.  More importantly, it made me feel invisible.  Another time she invited me over to bake and said I couldn't tell anyone about it.  When I visited San Diego in 2019 she provided several reasons we couldn't meet up, but then came to a group dinner and ignored me the entire time.  Why did I allow this person to remain on my list of friends for so long?  It's really baffling.  She's no longer my friend and I haven't even bothered to tell her because after our last communication on NYE I just never heard from her again.  When I stopped being the initiator, we stopped talking.  If that isn't a sign I don't know what is.

I had another "friend" in high school that I felt invisible with, too.  Everything was about her.  I went to all of her performances, I served as a taxi for her and her siblings, I did whatever it took to be accepted.  Looking back now, the moment I decided to spread my wings and do some things for myself, she cut ties with me.  I've been confused for years wondering what I did to deserve such a toss to the side and have even asked numerous times for an explanation.  It's come to the point now where I don't think there is a reason.  I did something for myself and that didn't work for her or her family, so I was written off.  *shrug*  If it was more, I surely have no idea what it could have been.  I still dream about gaining resolution on this, which tells me my brain is still pondering what the hell happened, but I do hope I can let go of that soon.  It's been 15 years since we were in touch.  It's time to move on.

Another friend (oh God, this is beginning to sound like I'm a mess) unfriended me because I canceled plans all the time.  Going through anxiety is tough to explain, but at this particular junction in my life I was plagued with really bad feelings of dread any time I had to be anywhere that wasn't work.  It was all I could do to put one foot in front of the other and manage to smile when I passed people.  I was a literal mess with a cloud of anxiety floating over my head.  I've had to learn that for those who can't understand anxiety or sympathize with the idea that there are times it will rear its ugly head and make me want to bury my head in the sand, it's terribly hard to be friends of quality.  It has nothing to do with not wanting to see people and everything to do with the physical feeling of panic about being overwhelmed or just... anxious.  That doesn't mean this person wasn't truly my friend, she just couldn't handle my issue anymore.  It's sad, but I've accepted it.

With all of the above behind me, I'm also able to reflect on the many wonderful friendships I have in my life.  Some I've known since I was born, others I just met in March, but I've finally been able to cultivate a group of friends that gets me, loves me as I am, understands my limitations and strengths, and doesn't even for a moment make me feel invisible.  It took me until 38 years of age, but I know now what I will and won't tolerate in my relationships, how to stand up for myself, and what true friendship means.  Some of these people live nearby, most live far away, and some I only know via the Internet.  Regardless, it's the connection that makes the relationship work well. 

When I stop and reflect, the three failed friendships I mentioned above haunt me.  I can't deny that and doing so would serve no purpose.  But, acknowledging the failure as well as the successes that I am now able to fully enjoy, does make a difference.  I can still text a friend with something funny and know they'll be there to catch my reference.  I can share jokes and depth, have conversations about life and love, and gain insight on my mind.  I have those who share my history and help me navigate.  I have people to fill parts of my life that I didn't even know existed until they arrived... and I've met people in the last two years that have really embraced me and loved me.  I can admit and identify this just as clearly as I can mourn that which I've lost.  It isn't an all or nothing and having the good doesn't dismiss the bad, it just makes it shine a bit brighter.  

I finally fell asleep, but rest assured... I've been slowly walking through the cobwebs in my brain and am pulling out the duster to make room for the good stuff.  While I know there's no sense in dwelling on the past or what hurts, I have been in counseling long enough to know I have to sit with it until I'm ready to let it go.  I'm horrible at letting go, but I know I'll get there.  Just as swiftly as a new friendship can bloom, it can depart.  I've never had trouble letting go of love interests, but friendships are a whole different ballgame to me.  So, here's to the journey, to sitting with memories and letting them hurt until they don't, and to finding joy in the everyday.  With this pandemic going on, what other choice do we have anyway?